Life Before Christ
I grew up in a “Christian” home–my mother being a Baptist and my father, a Catholic. Knowing Christ came at an early age through attending Sunday school. I was also baptized before high school as a sign of my vow to follow Him.
Church activities for the youth were my favorite, and they occupied most of my high school years.
However, when I faced life on my own in the city, I fell in a vicious cycle of backsliding and getting up in the faith. It was vicious because it exhausted me until there was little faith left.
Perhaps as a defense mechanism, an act to save myself, I created a version of God in my head. This version is what my sinful self would want God to be and not who really God is.
This God I made was my rescuer, refuge, problem solver, comforter… the God of my convenience. I failed to recognize Him as a God of righteousness and holiness.
So it became easy for me to call to Him in times of trouble because I ignored my sins. When I asked for forgiveness in prayer, saying,”Patawara ko kung nakasala ko sa pulong, sa buhat, kag panghunahuna (Forgive me if I have sinned in words, deeds, and thoughts.),” I was merely uttering words out of ritual. Not sorry at all. Not feeling anything.
Looking back, I know now how crooked my knowledge about God was and it made me question myself.
Was I really true when I vowed to follow Him? Clearly, I was not.
Until in the recent years, I developed anxiety attacks.
An anxiety attack was a monster I begged not to come back.
In fear, I cried. I called out to God and asked for His help. But still clouded with sin, I only saw my pain.
In utter frustration, I blamed Him.
His unfailing love reached me through an invitation from my old-time friend, Izzie. A casual chat led to a discipleship meeting that was followed by another and another.
It was then that I knew God for real and experienced Him in my life.
I decided to commit my life to Him for good for one reason: I want to experience life at its fullest.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10
Aiming for money, fame, awards, praises, and applause of men have not satisfied the deepest longings of my heart. Only God has.
Yes, He is my rescuer, refuge, comforter, provider and more. But He is also righteous and holy.
He hates sin and sacrificed His son, Jesus, for the redemption of our sins. That if we truly repent and believe in Him as our savior, having an authentic relationship with Him, you and I can spend eternity with Him.
Then I’ve understood that the pain I bore was nothing to the pain He endured just to give mankind a full life, an abundant life which we cannot give ourselves.
Life with Christ
Life with Christ is a day-to-day progress of a journey. Meditating His word every day reveals His promises, truths, and wisdom in living.
So I’m still undone.
There’s more to learn. There’s more to experience. There’s more to do.
If I have not known Christ, I may still be wandering right now not knowing what to do. Immersed in insecurity. Sulking in self-pity. Nurturing hatred. Unable to truly forgive. Incapable of love. Anxious about everything.
Experiencing His saving grace and His infinite love is my greatest security. Seeking Him every day is my most beautiful quest. Leading others toward Him is my privilege.